Loved
by Amethyst Jackson
Summary: A couple pages of romantic angst. Chapter two -- a happy ending, for those who want it.
1. Loved

Loved

I love her. I love her to the point where it hurts to breathe sometimes, but there's no way I can ever do anything about it. She belongs to Ron now. I'd love to hate him for it, for winning her heart when I wanted it so badly, but I can't. He loved her before I did. Merlin knows how fate let that happen. 

I respected her from the moment we met. Ron couldn't stand her. I admired her during our first lessons. Ron called her a know-it-all. I realized, she _did_ know it all. And then, by some odd twist, Ron and Hermione became friends, and then, I was allowed to befriend her like I had wanted to.

Since then, they've had so many rows. Big fights every year, except perhaps second, but they were both a bit preoccupied, trying to keep me from jumping out a window or something equally drastic. And somehow, he had the fortune of falling for her fifth year, just before I realized what a treasure Hermione was. I was blind, and I hate myself for it now.

So now, Ron has her love. It's hard to look at them sometimes. I have trouble breathing around them. When I see Ron kiss her, it feels like I've been punched in the stomach. And I hate myself for being jealous; they're happy, that's what matters. At the same time, I can't help it. She's the deepest desire of my heart, and she happens to be the one thing I can never have.

*****

She doesn't love me. I see the way she looks at him, and though jealousy eats at me, I can't bear to see her suffer. On the other hand, it wouldn't be much use to let her go, if he doesn't love her. I can't help but wonder, though, if she would be happier without me.

And I see the way he returns her looks, and part of me thinks that he just might love her in return. How can I stand in their way? Why should we all be miserable when there's a chance two of us could be happy?

There was a time when I thought she was the One. I thought I would never love again. I see now that I was wrong. We're not always good for each other, Hermione and I. Consistently, we both try to change each other. She wants me to study more, be more serious, and I want her to lighten up and study less. We're both too stubborn for a compromise.

I do love her, very much, but she loves someone else. I've tried to break it off with her, let her go. A clean break. But I suppose I went about it the wrong way. I told her my intentions, she told me I was an idiot and we didn't break up. 

Still, shouldn't I set her free?

*****

I'm in love with my best friend. Except, not the right one. Of course, I'll never act upon it. I couldn't bear to hurt Ron, and why should I, if he doesn't love me? I care about Ron; if I can't have the one I love, what's wrong with ending up with my best friend? Perhaps I could learn to love him eventually. It was just a crush at first. But it could be something more. If only I could get over…him.

It was two years ago when I fell, and literally. I tripped, and almost fell down the stairs, but there he was, arms catching me nimbly and lifting me back up. And though it sounds entirely too poetic, I felt as though he lifted _all_ of me up. Our eyes met, and it was then that I knew. I was in love with Harry.

I've tried to move on, forget these feelings, but it never works. The more I try not to love him, the more I do. Harry is the best person I've ever known. He's never selfish, never hesitant to help, always kind, always…always perfect. Granted, there are girls that could find many faults with him. He's flawless in my eyes.

I wonder what point there is, to me feeling this way. Harry deserves something better than I can offer him. I'll stay with Ron, and I suppose we'll start a new branch of the Weasley family. Harry will meet some wonderful woman, and she'll be everything I can't be, and more. He'll be happy. I suppose that will have to be enough.


	2. Still Loved

Still Loved

I know she doesn't love me. I'm sure of it now. Last night I saw her crying, and it's obvious why. I can't do this anymore. This is my fault. I've let them both go on like there was absolutely nothing between them, and we all know there is. So it's over.

*****

He ended it today. He told me he knew I was in love with Harry, and that I should take a chance on it. That I deserve better than this relationship. I tried to tell him not to do it, that it was pointless. But he wouldn't listen. And now it seems I've lost him. I can imagine what will happen next. Harry will find out. He'll demand reasons. Who knows whose side he'll take. We obviously can't tell him the real reason, that Ron thinks I feel a certain way about him, and that he's right.

Will I lose Ron over this? I couldn't bear it, if I lost Ron as a friend. I can hardly talk to Harry anymore. It kills me. I can't believe he doesn't see it.

*****

He left her. I tried to ask him why, but he refused to tell me. Damnit, if he broke her heart, I will…I don't know what I'll do, but I'm sure he won't appreciate it. 

And yet, I'm happy about it. I could kill myself for it, but part of me is glad. I can't help but find a twisted sense of relief in knowing that tomorrow when I go down to the common room, his arm won't be around her, and later that night, he won't be kissing her when she goes up to bed. For now, at least in my imagination, those lips can be mine, and mine alone.

*****

Ron had the nerve to speak to me today, and I'm glad he did.

He told me his reasons for leaving her. He said he can tell how I feel about her. I was too tired to deny it. And then, he claimed that she feels the same way.

I was left staring at him. He demanded that I tell her how I feel, that I take the risk. I believe him, that he thinks this is true, but what if he's wrong? What if he's misreading whatever it is he sees? How can he possibly know, when he says she denies it?

Then again, I deny it.

*****

It happened again yesterday. It seems funny that something like this should happen twice to a person in one year, but it did.

We were late to class. Ron had disappeared after breakfast, and Peeves had held us up on the second floor. As we were rushing up to the third, I lost my balance on the stairs, and fell. And he caught me. It would have been an amusing sight, had anyone been around to see it. I was falling forward, and he caught me around the waist. I can only imagine what we looked like; I'm glad we were running late. 

I finally regained my footing, and turned around to thank him, only to find his lips waiting for me. 

To use a grand cliché, it was like magic. But honestly, that's quite like what requited love feels like. It's that rush of adrenaline, excitement, happiness you get when you hold your wand for the first time, and every time you do a spell after that. And kissing Harry was like performing a powerful spell for the first time, feeling the energy go through you, about to take you over completely. It truly is just like magic.

*****

I kissed her today. And it was like…like flying. 

When you first get on a broomstick and take off, it's an amazing feeling. It's sudden weightlessness, and hope, knowing you can do what you thought was impossible. And it's also joy. It's simply the wind, a place where no one can intrude. It's sacred.

And her kisses are the same way. They produce the same feelings. They leave me in ecstasy.

And just like flying, she is sacred.


End file.
